Inside the head of a family mediator – session 3
Alex hasn’t taken a few seconds to sit down when he says to me: “I can’t do text messages anymore. Mariève sends me messages constantly.”
As she asks more questions, Mariève admits to asking Alex about Julia’s situation on a daily basis.
For example, she asks him what snack she’s been served, wants a photo of her to prove she’s had a nap, and so on.
Alex, who didn’t think it appropriate to reply, simply wrote – repeatedly – that “everything’s ok”.
This provoked a panoply of exchanges between them, which they were quick to show me on their cell phones.
Mediator: You’re no longer in a conjugal relationship.
So you need to learn to communicate in a new way, with boundaries and respect for your new roles as separated parents.
Is text messaging the right way to communicate?
Both parents nod in agreement.
Mediator: I’d suggest limiting the topics of communication to begin with.
What are the most important to you?
Mariève then says that Alex “doesn’t have his priorities in the right place”.
She explains that she had to rush to the medical clinic because Julia was running a fever and wouldn’t stop screaming.
She says she tried to reach Alex in the evening, but his cell phone was closed.
Alex replies: “Well, that’s it! By writing to me about everything, I’m missing out on important information.”
At the same time as the father, I learn that Julia has an ear infection and is currently taking antibiotics.
According to the doctor’s instructions, she won’t be able to return to daycare until the fever has broken.
So Alex asks Mariève, “When do you think she’ll go back to daycare?”
She replies, “I don’t know if this week is a good idea. I’d also like her to stay with me this weekend so she can get some rest.”
Alex: “No way! She can rest with me just fine!”
Mariève: “But I’m the one who knows how to administer antibiotics.”
Alex: “You think I’m that incompetent? You’ll know I’m capable of giving my daughter medicine.”
Mariève: “I’m serious Alex. It’s very important.”
Mediator: What are you afraid of, Mariève?
Mariève: “He’s never worried about his health before. The medication, the crying at night, the vaccinations, the follow-up appointments, that’s all me. I don’t see why it would be any different today.”
Alex: “It’s just different today. I know I wasn’t available all the time before, but if there’s one thing I’m certain of now, it’s that I want to look after my daughter.”
Mediator: What do you suggest to ensure that doses are taken according to the doctor’s recommended dosage?
Alex: “It must be written on the bottle… “
Mariève: “Yes and no, but I have a notebook where I keep track of Julia’s hours and temperature.”
Mediator: Is there any other information about Julia that could be included in this notebook?
Each of the parents throws ideas at me.
Mariève suggests, “The date of return to daycare, maybe,” while Alex says he’d like “to hear more about potty training – any tips or ideas.
Mariève adds “bedtimes and what she eats at home too.”
Alex objects to this last suggestion: “Oh no! We’re not going to start that again! There are limits to meddling in my life!
Mediator: How about trying to use this notebook for the administration of antibiotics, the date of return to daycare and news about Julia’s cleanliness?
Sounds like a good first test, doesn’t it?
This notebook could be your parenting notebook.
And how about limiting your text exchanges to emergencies or important needs concerning Julia?
Finally, I suggest that the parents find a way to exchange Julia’s health insurance card.
They decide that Mariève will stick a pocket inside the parent’s notebook.
In the event of an emergency, Julia’s custodial parent can then go to the appropriate medical service without looking for the card.
Mediator: For next week, I invite you to bring me your tax returns for the past year, as well as your last three pay stubs.
This will enable us to determine the amount of alimony payable for Julia’s benefit.
What you need to understand:
A certain adjustment is necessary at the time of separation.
The parents have to relearn how to communicate with each other, this time as separate parents rather than spouses.
Each must respect the other’s limits – while agreeing on Julia’s basic needs (health, education, religion, etc.).
The mediator can suggest communication guidelines to facilitate discussions on these more fastidious subjects.
