Inside the head of a family mediator – session 1
Mariève and Alex are nervous.
They're not sure what to expect from the mediation.
From the outset, Alex addresses me and explains that he has agreed to the meeting in the hope of seeing his daughter again as soon as possible.
Mediator: Mediation is a time-space within which the couple must exchange, one with the other directly.
Alex asks Mariève directly if he can see their daughter Julia soon, to which she replies “not now”.
After a few questions, I understand that the couple have a 3-year-old daughter, Julia.
Mariève is still living in the apartment, while Alex left two weeks ago and is temporarily staying with his parents.
And that Julia is enrolled at the day-care center near the apartment.
Mediator: Before the separation, how did you organize your schedule with Julia?
Both Alex and Marieve explain that they shared responsibilities.
For example, each would drive her home and/or pick her up from the day-care center.
However, Mariève points out that she is more available than Alex, since she works close to the daycare, whereas Alex works 40 minutes away by car.
Mediator: Here’s a calendar for the current month.
Let’s work on a first scenario.
What days could Julia spend with each of the parents?
Mariève refuses to consider a schedule for Julia, explaining that “she’s too young to be separated from me” and that “there’s no question of her sleeping anywhere but in her room at the apartment”.
Mediator: I understand that you want us to consider that Julia is very young and that we need to find her a solution that will offer her stability.
Alex, what do you think?
Alex replies that he can’t disagree with that, but adds “it’s not only Mariève who can do that”.
Mediator: Julia is 3 years old.
Her notion of time is not the same as ours.
At her age, several days without seeing either of her parents can seem like a very long time.
Do you have an idea of a schedule that would offer him stability while maximizing his time with each of you?
Let’s say, for the next seven (7) days to start.
Who would like to suggest a schedule?
Mariève hesitates, but suggests: “He can see her on weekends, without sleeping.
Alex replies that he doesn’t understand why she can’t sleep with him, but adds that he “admits it’s not ideal at my parents’ house, especially as we’re trying out a new potty routine”.
Mariève adds “by the way, it’s working well – even the educator has seen progress”.
Alex then exclaims “thanks for finally letting me know – it’s fine for the weekend. 8:00 to 8:00, is that okay with you?”
Mariève replies that “if it’s 8.00 pm, make sure she’s had her supper because I won’t have much time for the bath routine”, to which Alex retorts that “You know we eat at 5.00 pm. 7.30 p.m., bath time and pajamas.” Mariève finally clarifies: “No. 7:00 p.m. and the routine will be done with me. That’ll calm him down before bedtime at 8:00 p.m.”
Alex accepts.
Mediator: Congratulations on this first agreement.
I’ll keep this month’s calendar for the next meeting.
What you need to understand:
To try mediation, you don’t need to agree beforehand.
The only prerequisite is a willingness to take the time – an hour – to try to find solutions.
The mediator’s role is to facilitate communication between the parents and suggest possible solutions.
