Inside the head of a family mediator – session 2

Mediator: Then, how did the week go?

Mariève quickly answers “badly” and goes on to explain that Alex didn’t return Julia’s call until 10 p.m. on Sunday evening.
Alex explains: “We were at the restaurant and I didn’t notice the time. Julia was so happy. If you’d agreed to let me keep her asleep too.”

Mariève replies, “It’s not up to you to change the schedule! We had an agreement Alex.”

Mediator: You had decided on 8 a.m. to 7 p.m..
Does this schedule still work for you?

Alex: “Well yes and no. I want more.” Mariève replies, “How can I trust you, Alex? You had one evening, and then you didn’t even respect it.”

Alex: “7 p.m. is fine. If we agree on a schedule that will allow me to see Julia more often, I have no problem sticking to it.”

Mediator: In fact, the aim of the discussions is to reach an agreement that will be respected.
If we don’t have a decision, we’ll keep talking.
If you have other options, I want to hear them too.
You’ll have to live with the schedule and respect it.

I then explain to the parents that they could start by determining the “regular” schedule, i.e. the one they’ll follow in the vast majority of weeks.
They can then agree on special access times, such as vacations at work, special outings, summer vacations and so on.

Mariève and Alex use a monthly calendar to find a way of sharing their time that is balanced for the child, while respecting their professional schedules.
Working on a monthly basis allows them to visualize the time-sharing.
For my part, it allows me to calculate the childcare arrangement.
I inform the parents:

Julia has sole custody of Mariève if she spends 20% or less of her time with Alex (about 5 days out of 30).

Julia has sole custody with Mariève, with extended outing rights with Alex if she spends between 20% and 40% of her time with Alex (i.e. between 6 and 12 days out of 30).

Julia has joint custody with both parents if she spends more than 40% of her time with Alex (i.e. 13 days out of 30 days).

Determining the custody arrangement will be useful when parents discuss child support and other expenses.

Mediator: For next week, I’d like you each to take a calendar with you so that we can draw up a proposal for a regular schedule.
I’d also like you to add any special accesses you’d like to deal with.

Mariève asks, “I don’t mind doing the work, but what if Alex doesn’t respect the agreement?
Alex replies, “You’re worrying about nothing. I’m going to stick to a schedule that gives me time just for my daughter. I’m worried too, you’ll know.”

Mediator: Are you worried?

Alex tells me that if he doesn’t have joint custody, he’s afraid Mariève will decide everything without him.

Mediator: What you’re referring to is parental authority.
These are the decisions that both parents make together in the interests of their child, regardless of the custody arrangement.
It’s a vast subject, encompassing a multitude of important issues such as education, religion, child care, daycare, travel and so on.
We’ll be discussing this at our next meeting – and believe me, it will certainly take a whole meeting.
So I suggest that you come back to me next week with the “homework” of calendars, and that we discuss your shared responsibilities and parenting authority at that time.

What you need to understand:

Determining a custody schedule following a separation can be more complex than you might think.
The child’s rhythm must be taken into account, as well as his or her need to maintain regular contact with both parents – while juggling each parent’s professional schedule.
The mediator thus establishes a framework for discussion within which the parents must find solutions.