Alex hasn’t taken a few seconds to sit down when he says to me: “I can’t do text messages anymore. Mariève sends me messages constantly.”

As she asks more questions, Mariève admits to asking Alex about Julia’s situation on a daily basis.
For example, she asks him what snack she’s been served, wants a photo of her to prove she’s had a nap, and so on.

Alex, who didn’t think it appropriate to reply, simply wrote – repeatedly – that “everything’s ok”.
This provoked a panoply of exchanges between them, which they were quick to show me on their cell phones.

Mediator: You’re no longer in a conjugal relationship.
So you need to learn to communicate in a new way, with boundaries and respect for your new roles as separated parents.
Is text messaging the right way to communicate?

Both parents nod in agreement.

Mediator: I’d suggest limiting the topics of communication to begin with.
What are the most important to you?

Mariève then says that Alex “doesn’t have his priorities in the right place”.
She explains that she had to rush to the medical clinic because Julia was running a fever and wouldn’t stop screaming.
She says she tried to reach Alex in the evening, but his cell phone was closed.

Alex replies: “Well, that’s it! By writing to me about everything, I’m missing out on important information.”

At the same time as the father, I learn that Julia has an ear infection and is currently taking antibiotics.
According to the doctor’s instructions, she won’t be able to return to daycare until the fever has broken.

So Alex asks Mariève, “When do you think she’ll go back to daycare?”

She replies, “I don’t know if this week is a good idea. I’d also like her to stay with me this weekend so she can get some rest.”

Alex: “No way! She can rest with me just fine!”

Mariève: “But I’m the one who knows how to administer antibiotics.”

Alex: “You think I’m that incompetent? You’ll know I’m capable of giving my daughter medicine.”

Mariève: “I’m serious Alex. It’s very important.”

Mediator: What are you afraid of, Mariève?

Mariève: “He’s never worried about his health before. The medication, the crying at night, the vaccinations, the follow-up appointments, that’s all me. I don’t see why it would be any different today.”

Alex: “It’s just different today. I know I wasn’t available all the time before, but if there’s one thing I’m certain of now, it’s that I want to look after my daughter.”

Mediator: What do you suggest to ensure that doses are taken according to the doctor’s recommended dosage?

Alex: “It must be written on the bottle… “

Mariève: “Yes and no, but I have a notebook where I keep track of Julia’s hours and temperature.”

Mediator: Is there any other information about Julia that could be included in this notebook?

Each of the parents throws ideas at me.
Mariève suggests, “The date of return to daycare, maybe,” while Alex says he’d like “to hear more about potty training – any tips or ideas.
Mariève adds “bedtimes and what she eats at home too.”

Alex objects to this last suggestion: “Oh no! We’re not going to start that again! There are limits to meddling in my life!

Mediator: How about trying to use this notebook for the administration of antibiotics, the date of return to daycare and news about Julia’s cleanliness?
Sounds like a good first test, doesn’t it?
This notebook could be your parenting notebook.
And how about limiting your text exchanges to emergencies or important needs concerning Julia?

Finally, I suggest that the parents find a way to exchange Julia’s health insurance card.
They decide that Mariève will stick a pocket inside the parent’s notebook.
In the event of an emergency, Julia’s custodial parent can then go to the appropriate medical service without looking for the card.

Mediator: For next week, I invite you to bring me your tax returns for the past year, as well as your last three pay stubs.
This will enable us to determine the amount of alimony payable for Julia’s benefit.

What you need to understand:

A certain adjustment is necessary at the time of separation.
The parents have to relearn how to communicate with each other, this time as separate parents rather than spouses.
Each must respect the other’s limits – while agreeing on Julia’s basic needs (health, education, religion, etc.).
The mediator can suggest communication guidelines to facilitate discussions on these more fastidious subjects.

Mediator: Then, how did the week go?

Mariève quickly answers “badly” and goes on to explain that Alex didn’t return Julia’s call until 10 p.m. on Sunday evening.
Alex explains: “We were at the restaurant and I didn’t notice the time. Julia was so happy. If you’d agreed to let me keep her asleep too.”

Mariève replies, “It’s not up to you to change the schedule! We had an agreement Alex.”

Mediator: You had decided on 8 a.m. to 7 p.m..
Does this schedule still work for you?

Alex: “Well yes and no. I want more.” Mariève replies, “How can I trust you, Alex? You had one evening, and then you didn’t even respect it.”

Alex: “7 p.m. is fine. If we agree on a schedule that will allow me to see Julia more often, I have no problem sticking to it.”

Mediator: In fact, the aim of the discussions is to reach an agreement that will be respected.
If we don’t have a decision, we’ll keep talking.
If you have other options, I want to hear them too.
You’ll have to live with the schedule and respect it.

I then explain to the parents that they could start by determining the “regular” schedule, i.e. the one they’ll follow in the vast majority of weeks.
They can then agree on special access times, such as vacations at work, special outings, summer vacations and so on.

Mariève and Alex use a monthly calendar to find a way of sharing their time that is balanced for the child, while respecting their professional schedules.
Working on a monthly basis allows them to visualize the time-sharing.
For my part, it allows me to calculate the childcare arrangement.
I inform the parents:

Julia has sole custody of Mariève if she spends 20% or less of her time with Alex (about 5 days out of 30).

Julia has sole custody with Mariève, with extended outing rights with Alex if she spends between 20% and 40% of her time with Alex (i.e. between 6 and 12 days out of 30).

Julia has joint custody with both parents if she spends more than 40% of her time with Alex (i.e. 13 days out of 30 days).

Determining the custody arrangement will be useful when parents discuss child support and other expenses.

Mediator: For next week, I’d like you each to take a calendar with you so that we can draw up a proposal for a regular schedule.
I’d also like you to add any special accesses you’d like to deal with.

Mariève asks, “I don’t mind doing the work, but what if Alex doesn’t respect the agreement?
Alex replies, “You’re worrying about nothing. I’m going to stick to a schedule that gives me time just for my daughter. I’m worried too, you’ll know.”

Mediator: Are you worried?

Alex tells me that if he doesn’t have joint custody, he’s afraid Mariève will decide everything without him.

Mediator: What you’re referring to is parental authority.
These are the decisions that both parents make together in the interests of their child, regardless of the custody arrangement.
It’s a vast subject, encompassing a multitude of important issues such as education, religion, child care, daycare, travel and so on.
We’ll be discussing this at our next meeting – and believe me, it will certainly take a whole meeting.
So I suggest that you come back to me next week with the “homework” of calendars, and that we discuss your shared responsibilities and parenting authority at that time.

What you need to understand:

Determining a custody schedule following a separation can be more complex than you might think.
The child’s rhythm must be taken into account, as well as his or her need to maintain regular contact with both parents – while juggling each parent’s professional schedule.
The mediator thus establishes a framework for discussion within which the parents must find solutions.

Mediator: Mediation is a time-space within which the couple must exchange, one with the other directly.

Alex asks Mariève directly if he can see their daughter Julia soon, to which she replies “not now”.

After a few questions, I understand that the couple have a 3-year-old daughter, Julia.
Mariève is still living in the apartment, while Alex left two weeks ago and is temporarily staying with his parents.
And that Julia is enrolled at the day-care center near the apartment.

Mediator: Before the separation, how did you organize your schedule with Julia?

Both Alex and Marieve explain that they shared responsibilities.
For example, each would drive her home and/or pick her up from the day-care center.
However, Mariève points out that she is more available than Alex, since she works close to the daycare, whereas Alex works 40 minutes away by car.

Mediator: Here’s a calendar for the current month.
Let’s work on a first scenario.
What days could Julia spend with each of the parents?

Mariève refuses to consider a schedule for Julia, explaining that “she’s too young to be separated from me” and that “there’s no question of her sleeping anywhere but in her room at the apartment”.

Mediator: I understand that you want us to consider that Julia is very young and that we need to find her a solution that will offer her stability.
Alex, what do you think?

Alex replies that he can’t disagree with that, but adds “it’s not only Mariève who can do that”.

Mediator: Julia is 3 years old.
Her notion of time is not the same as ours.
At her age, several days without seeing either of her parents can seem like a very long time.
Do you have an idea of a schedule that would offer him stability while maximizing his time with each of you?
Let’s say, for the next seven (7) days to start.
Who would like to suggest a schedule?

Mariève hesitates, but suggests: “He can see her on weekends, without sleeping.
Alex replies that he doesn’t understand why she can’t sleep with him, but adds that he “admits it’s not ideal at my parents’ house, especially as we’re trying out a new potty routine”.

Mariève adds “by the way, it’s working well – even the educator has seen progress”.
Alex then exclaims “thanks for finally letting me know – it’s fine for the weekend. 8:00 to 8:00, is that okay with you?”

Mariève replies that “if it’s 8.00 pm, make sure she’s had her supper because I won’t have much time for the bath routine”, to which Alex retorts that “You know we eat at 5.00 pm. 7.30 p.m., bath time and pajamas.” Mariève finally clarifies: “No. 7:00 p.m. and the routine will be done with me. That’ll calm him down before bedtime at 8:00 p.m.”

Alex accepts.

Mediator: Congratulations on this first agreement.
I’ll keep this month’s calendar for the next meeting.

What you need to understand:

To try mediation, you don’t need to agree beforehand.
The only prerequisite is a willingness to take the time – an hour – to try to find solutions.
The mediator’s role is to facilitate communication between the parents and suggest possible solutions.

Mediator: How are you two doing?

Both answer me in unison: “Yes, we’re getting used to it!

Mediator: According to my notes, there are still a few subjects to discuss, including alimony.
Shall we start with that or would you prefer another topic?

Mariève immediately replies that alimony is a necessity.
She can’t afford it and is going into debt.
Alex immediately replies that she’s not the one who had to buy everything new to furnish her apartment: “Do you know how much it costs to furnish a 5 1/2?”.

I ask them if they want to discuss alimony or the financial aspects as spouses and co-owners.
Mariève says she prefers to discuss alimony, since Julia is the priority.
She adds that she has brought her tax returns and her last three pay stubs.

I ask her to show them to Alex and explain what she earned last year and what she plans to earn this year.
Mariève informs Alex that there won’t be any big surprises on this front, as she intends to keep the same job.
Her salary is estimated to be the same as the last two years, i.e. $42,000.
Her pay slips confirm that this amount is realistic for the current year.

Mediator: Is this your gross or net salary?

Mariève: Gross.
You can see it on line 199.

I ask a few additional questions related to his job: are there any benefits?
possible overtime?
union dues?
union dues? etc.

Then I turn to Alex and ask him to inform Mariève.

Alex: I don’t want you to think I don’t want to pay for my daughter, but I just can’t afford it.

Mariève: That’s not the question Alex!
Didn’t you bring anything?

Alex: I couldn’t find it.
Anyway, it’s always me who pays.
I’m financially strangled; it’s not just you who finds it hard.
Besides, I don’t have my parents’ financial support like you do – you know that.

Mediator: How about some scenarios?
Could that give you an idea of the alimony?
Then you could each look at your budget?

Since both are open to this proposal, I’m collecting the following information:

Mariève: $42,000 gross salary

Alex: $60,000 or $75,000 gross salary, $800 union dues (deductible)

1 minor child in 43% shared custody with Alex (Monday evening to Sunday evening, every other week = Alex’s request) or in 29% sole custody with extended outing rights with Alex (Thursday evening to Monday morning, every other week = Mariève’s request)

By entering these and other additional details, the software is able to calculate the monthly alimony to be paid:

1. 145 per month at 42/60 and 43%.
2. 210 per month at 42/75 and 43%.
3. 450 per month at 42/60 and 29%.
4. 535 per month at 42/75 and 29%.

Alex: I have to admit I’m a bit lost with all the scenarios.

Mariève: Can we bring them?
I’d like to look at them with my own calculations.
It doesn’t seem like much for all of Julia’s expenses.

Mediator: Remember that alimony only calculates the nine basic needs.
Special needs and certain other expenses will have to be discussed separately.
I’ll put it on my list for the next session?

On a mixed “yes” with a shared sigh from the parents, I leave them with a copy of the scenarios as well as a document explaining child support and its nine basic needs.
The legal information on other expenses and their possible breakdown according to the custody arrangement chosen (shared or sole custody) is also given to the parents.
They agree to read it before the next session.
Alex agrees to bring his last three pay stubs.
Finally, each parent receives a sample budget to complete.

Mediator : The budget is particularly important and interesting.
You may be surprised to see how much each of you is already spending on Julia’s behalf.
In addition, there’s bound to be some reorganization on the financial side, which I think will be a useful exercise for you.

When you’re in a relationship, it’s normal to argue from time to time.
However, when the conflicts escalate and intensify, when the climate of life together has become too monotonous or stormy, a question eventually arises in your head: to stay or to go?

The decision is even more difficult when you’re a parent.
To help you see things more clearly, we’ve compiled a list of options that are available to you, depending on your situation and objectives.

You want to pick up the pieces

If your wish is to rekindle the flame and you’ve already tried everything on your own, maybe it’s time to seek professional help.
Couples therapy has been proven to improve married life.
There are different types of marital therapy: behavioral therapy, emotional therapy or even sessions with a sex therapist.
It’s up to you to choose the one you feel will help you find a solution.

You prefer to leave

If you decide to separate and you’re a parent, you should have recourse to mediation, even if you part on good terms.
In fact, once you’ve separated, and because you have children, you’ll have to agree on custody and upbringing.

You may think that since you get on so well, you’ll be able to work it out between yourselves, but many separated couples have tried and ended up having to go to court to sort it all out.

When exes can’t get along, or mediation hasn’t worked, it’s up to the courts to resolve the situation.
We all agree that this isn’t the most pleasant way to resolve problems.

Whatever your decision, keep in mind that court is not the only and ultimate solution.
Here’s an infographic to help you make sense of it all.